How to Be Authentic

We treat authenticity like a lost artifact, a true self buried deep inside that we must excavate. We dig through layers of social conditioning and inherited beliefs, hoping to unearth a solid, unchanging core. This archaeological dig for the self is the central project of modern life, promising that if we just find this 'real you,' we’ll finally be happy, confident, and free. But what if this entire project is based on a false premise? What if authenticity is an action to be taken? This reframes the entire quest. Instead of a treasure hunt for a static object, authenticity becomes a dynamic, moment-to-moment process of creating who you are. The pressure to 'find yourself' is replaced by the freedom to 'make yourself,' turning the search for a fixed identity into a commitment to an evolving one.

This exact tension—the exhausting hunt for a mythical true self versus the liberating act of creating one—is what philosopher Skye C. Cleary explores. Drawing on her work in philosophy and her background teaching at institutions like Columbia University and Barnard College, Cleary noticed a widespread anxiety fueled by this very paradox. She saw people treating their lives like a high-stakes performance review for a self they hadn't even met yet. "How to Be Authentic" emerged from her desire to offer a different path, one grounded in the existentialist idea that we are defined by the choices we make every day. The book is her answer to the question of how to live freely and meaningfully by courageously deciding who you will become.

Module 1: The Architecture of Your Existence

This first module lays the groundwork. It introduces the core tools Beauvoir gives us to analyze our own lives. The central idea is that our lives are a constant tension between two forces.

First is "facticity." These are the unchosen facts of your life. Your birthplace, your biology, your past decisions. They are the raw materials you have to work with. They are unchangeable. But Beauvoir argues we are not defined by these facts. This brings us to the second force: "transcendence." This is our uniquely human capacity to project ourselves into the future. It's our freedom to choose, to create, to go beyond our given circumstances.

The core insight here is that authenticity is the continuous act of using your freedom to transcend your facts. You are a project, not a finished product. Your facticity is the starting point. For example, being born into a certain family is a fact. Choosing to study a new language or move to a different country is an act of transcendence. You can't change your starting point, but you can choose your direction.

This leads to a critical concept: bad faith. This is what happens when we deny our freedom. Inauthenticity, or "bad faith," is lying to yourself about your freedom and responsibility. It’s the ultimate self-sabotage. You can do this in two ways. First, you can pretend your facts are not real. Think of someone who ignores their financial reality and spends recklessly. Second, and more commonly, you can pretend you have no freedom. You can say, "I have no choice," or "This is just who I am." This is the comfortable prison of determinism. The author gives the example of a character in Beauvoir's work who believes life simply happens to him. He denies his responsibility for his own promises and actions. That is bad faith.

Now, let's talk about the external forces that push us into bad faith. Beauvoir called them "mystifications." These are the cultural myths and lies that obscure reality and keep people oppressed. You must learn to identify and dismantle "mystifications"—the cultural lies that limit your freedom. A powerful example is the myth of the "eternal feminine." This is the idea that women are naturally nurturing, passive, or emotional. This mystification pressures women into restrictive roles. It tells them their essence is predetermined. It denies their capacity for transcendence. Another mystification is the idea that oppression is "natural." For instance, a wealthy person might claim that poor people are just naturally frivolous with money. This lie conceals their own complicity in an exploitative system.

So, how do we fight back? The first step is awareness. You have to untangle what is a determined fact from what is an area of freedom. Acknowledging systemic barriers like racism or sexism is not bad faith. In fact, ignoring them is a form of bad faith. Authentic living requires accurately discerning what you can control from what you cannot. You must acknowledge both your radical freedom and the very real structures that limit it. The author shares a powerful story from her time in the Army Reserve. As a woman, her biology was a fact. When an officer ordered only the women to remove their heavy packs during a march, he was reducing her to that fact. He was denying her transcendence, her capacity to be a soldier held to the same standard as everyone else. Her desire to carry the pack was an assertion of her freedom.

Module 2: Authenticity in Relationships

We don't exist in a vacuum. Our freedom is constantly bumping up against the freedom of others. This module explores how to build authentic connections without sacrificing yourself or dominating others. The key is a concept Beauvoir called "intersubjectivity."

Intersubjectivity is simply the mutual recognition between two people that you are both conscious subjects. You both have rich inner lives. The universe does not revolve around you. It doesn't revolve around them either. This is the foundation of all authentic relationships. This brings us to the first insight: Authentic friendship is the template for all moral relationships. Beauvoir believed friendship was the highest form of connection. Why? Because it's chosen. It's cooperative. It's built on a pact of mutual respect. An authentic friend runs alongside you. They offer encouragement. They help you see blind spots. An inauthentic friend uses you to feel better about themselves.

This applies directly to romantic love. Cleary, channeling Beauvoir, argues that our culture's idea of love is deeply inauthentic. We're sold a myth. The myth of the "soulmate." The idea that there is one person out there who will complete you. Beauvoir calls this bad faith. It’s an excuse to avoid the hard work of creating your own fulfillment. So, here's the next insight: Reject the "soulmate" myth; authentic love is a collaboration between two free individuals. It's about two whole people choosing to build something together. It’s modeled on friendship: equality, tenderness, and respect for each other's independence. The author contrasts this with a past relationship where her partner's passion became possessive. He wanted to merge into one. He didn't see her as a separate, free person. That was a failed power struggle.

This brings us to marriage. Beauvoir was famously critical of marriage as an institution. She saw it as a system that historically trapped women in roles of economic dependence and domestic servitude. Even today, women often bear a "double burden" of a full-time career and the majority of housework. But the book doesn't say "don't get married." Instead, it challenges you to be intentional. An authentic marriage is a constantly renegotiated pact. Traditional marriage often kills passion with routine and obligation. An authentic partnership, whether legally a marriage or not, requires continuous dialogue. It requires balancing your need for independence—your "being-for-oneself"—with your commitment to your partner—your "being-with-others." It's a daily choice to show up for each other as equals.

Finally, let's apply this to parenting. The mystifications around motherhood are incredibly powerful. Society pushes the ideal of the "good mother." She is selfless, patient, and naturally gifted at childcare. This sets women up for failure and guilt. Authentic parenting means choosing it as a project. For Beauvoir, a "mother" is defined by the commitment to care. This means adoptive parents or fathers can be just as much a "mother" in the existential sense. The goal is to be a perfect parent. The goal is to maintain your own identity while nurturing a relationship with your child. You are supporting their journey toward their own freedom. In a sense, authentic parenting is a process of planned obsolescence. You are helping them become independent beings who no longer need you.