It's On Me

Two people are given identical, state-of-the-art cameras. Both have access to the same stunning landscapes, the same willing subjects, the same perfect light. The first person, following every rule and best practice, produces a portfolio of technically flawless but emotionally vacant images. They are crisp, well-composed, and utterly forgettable. The second person, however, spends time simply holding the camera, feeling its weight, understanding its quirks, and connecting with what they want to capture before ever pressing the shutter. Their photos are different—some are imperfect, a little blurry, unconventionally framed, but they are alive. They tell a story. They make you feel something. One person operated the camera; the other embodied the photographer.

This gap between technically doing and authentically being is where many of us get stuck. We follow the 'rules' for a good life—get the job, maintain the friendships, check the boxes—yet feel a persistent hollowness, a sense that we are merely operating the machinery of our own existence. This very feeling is what drove Sara Kuburic to write this book. As an existential psychotherapist and columnist known as 'The Millennial Therapist,' she witnessed countless clients who had built picture-perfect lives yet felt like strangers in them. Her work, and this book, emerged from her own journey of moving beyond the checklist of life to reclaim the messy, imperfect, and powerful reality of being a self.

Module 1: Understanding Self-Loss and the Freedom of Responsibility

So, what exactly is self-loss? It’s an existential estrangement. It’s the feeling of being a stranger to yourself, where your actions don't align with your inner values. Kuburic introduces a powerful metaphor to explain this state: a person sitting calmly in a burning room. They know something is deeply wrong. The wallpaper is peeling, the rug is on fire. But instead of acting, they distract themselves. They pay bills, scroll social media, or debate who started the fire. This is self-loss in action. It's the denial and inaction we choose when faced with the terrifying reality that our life is not our own.

The first step toward change is a radical one. You must acknowledge that your present self is your authentic self. This can be a tough pill to swallow. If you're anxious and disconnected while sitting at your kitchen table, that anxious person is you. Right now. If you're miserable in your job, that unfulfilled person is your current authentic self. The book argues there's no "real you" hiding somewhere in the past. Your identity is what you are doing and feeling in this moment. This realization is crucial. It stops you from romanticizing a past version of yourself and forces you to confront your reality as it is today.

From this foundation, we arrive at a core existential idea. The Self is created through action. Many of us operate on an essentialist belief. We think we have a fixed, pre-determined essence we need to "discover." Kuburic, drawing from existential philosophers like Jean-Paul Sartre, flips this idea. She argues for "existence precedes essence." We are born, we exist, and then we define who we are through our choices and actions. Think of the character in Runaway Bride who never knew how she liked her eggs. She always adopted the preference of her current partner. Her sense of self was fragmented because her actions weren't her own. Only when she cooked and tasted every style of egg for herself did she begin to define her own identity. Her actions created her essence.

This leads us to a heavy but liberating truth. You are condemned to be free, which means you are responsible for your life. Sartre's concept of being "condemned to be free" means we can't escape making choices. And every choice carries responsibility. Even choosing not to choose is a choice. We often avoid this responsibility. We blame our past, our parents, our partners. We might say, "I'm this way because I was hurt before." The author calls this "bad faith." It's a form of self-deception where we pretend we have no choice to avoid the burden of responsibility. For example, a man named Brad who was cheated on might justify treating new partners poorly. He is acting in bad faith. He denies his present freedom to choose kindness and instead acts as if his past forces his hand. Recognizing this is the first step to reclaiming your power. While the fire in the room might not be your fault, getting out is your responsibility.