25 Questions You're Afraid to Ask About Love, Sex, and Intimacy
What's it about
Ever wondered if your secret questions about love and sex are normal? You're not alone. This guide tackles the tough, awkward, and deeply personal questions you've been afraid to ask, offering honest answers to help you build a healthier, more fulfilling intimate life. Discover how to navigate difficult conversations with your partner, understand the spiritual side of sexuality, and heal from past hurts. You'll gain practical, faith-based wisdom to replace confusion and shame with confidence and a deeper connection in your most important relationship.
Meet the author
Dr. Juli Slattery is a clinical psychologist, nationally recognized expert in sexuality and relationships, and the co-founder of Authentic Intimacy, a ministry devoted to reclaiming God’s design for intimacy. After serving on the faculty of Focus on the Family, she developed a passion for helping Christians navigate difficult questions about sex with biblical wisdom and clinical insight. Juli combines her professional expertise with a deep desire to see people experience the freedom and fulfillment found in God's truth about love and intimacy.
The Script
We treat our intimate relationships like a sacred text we can’t quite read. We believe the answers to our deepest questions about love, desire, and connection are hidden somewhere within its pages, if only we could decipher the code. So we try, using the tools we’ve been given: cultural scripts, romantic comedies, fragmented advice from friends, and the quiet, often shame-filled, assumptions we’ve carried since adolescence. When these tools fail to unlock the meaning—when sex feels more like a performance review than a moment of unity, or when emotional closeness feels like a distant memory—we don’t question the tools. We question the text. We assume our relationship, or worse, we ourselves, are fundamentally flawed, a corrupted version of the story we were meant to live.
The most damaging myth we’ve inherited is that silence is a sign of health. We believe that a good relationship shouldn’t have awkward questions or confusing desires. This creates a vicious cycle: the more we need to ask, the more ashamed we feel for needing to ask in the first place, and the silence deepens. This very silence, and the profound isolation it creates, is what drove clinical psychologist Dr. Juli Slattery to write this book. After years in her counseling practice, she saw a clear and painful pattern. Countless individuals and couples were wrestling with the same 25 core questions, but they were doing so in private, convinced they were the only ones struggling. She realized the problem was a lack of permission—permission to be honest, to be confused, and to finally ask the questions that have been kept in the dark for far too long.
Module 1: Redefining Sexuality—More Than Just an Act
We often treat sexuality as a purely physical act. It's something we do. But Slattery challenges this narrow view. She argues that our sexuality is woven into the very fabric of our being. It’s connected to our identity, our desires, our self-worth, and our spiritual health. This leads to a foundational shift in thinking.
First, sexual choices are inherently spiritual choices. You can't compartmentalize your sex life from your relationship with God. Slattery points to the Hebrew word yada, which means "to know" in a deep, intimate way. This word is used to describe both sexual union and our relationship with God. Psalm 139 says, "You have searched me, Lord, and you yada me." This tells us that sexuality is meant to be a metaphor. It’s a physical picture of the spiritual union God desires with us. The implication is staggering. Every sexual decision either draws you closer to God or pushes you further away.
Building on that idea, God is not afraid of or disgusted by your sex life. Many people, especially those raised in conservative traditions, carry a "visceral reaction" to the idea of God being present in the bedroom. They see sex as earthy, messy, and maybe even a little dirty. So, they subconsciously wall it off from their spiritual life. But Slattery argues this is a profound misunderstanding. God designed sex. He designed the nerve endings that create pleasure. The Bible, particularly in books like the Song of Songs and Proverbs 5, celebrates erotic, passionate love within marriage. The problem is the context. The morality of sexual pleasure depends entirely on its context. Outside of a committed marital covenant, it's destructive. Inside the covenant, it's a gift to be celebrated.
And here's the thing. This reframing changes how we see our struggles. Many of us carry deep shame about our sexual past or present temptations. But Slattery makes a critical distinction. Temptation itself is not a sin and does not define you. Jesus himself was tempted in every way, yet was without sin. The author quotes her mentor, Linda Dillow: "You can’t control what thoughts come into your mind, but you can control what stays there." The sin occurs when we allow a desire to drag us away, when we dwell on it and then act. This means struggling with lust, same-sex attraction, or any other temptation doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. Your identity is not "addict" or "struggler." If you are in Christ, your identity is "forgiven," "washed," and "sanctified."