How to Be an Adult in Relationships

The first time you fall in love, it can feel like discovering a hidden room in your own house, a place you never knew existed but that instantly feels more like home than any other. It’s warm, bright, and filled with a kind of effortless magic. You wonder how you ever lived without it. But then, months or years later, something shifts. A draft creeps in. The light flickers. You notice a crack in the plaster, a stain on the floor you’d never seen before. The magic doesn’t vanish, but it’s no longer effortless. You realize the room was a space you have to maintain. You have to patch the plaster, clean the floors, and figure out why the wind is getting in.

This is the moment where so many relationships falter. We mistake the initial magic for the entire structure of love, and when the hard work of maintenance begins, we assume the house itself is broken. We think love is something we find, a perfect, finished space. We rarely consider that real, lasting love is something we must learn to build and tend to—a skill, not a feeling. It demands we show up not just with our hearts, but with our hands, ready to do the work of adulthood: paying attention, offering acceptance, and allowing for the inevitable imperfections.

Psychotherapist David Richo spent decades observing this exact pattern in his practice. He saw countless individuals and couples who were heartbroken because they believed the fading of that initial magic meant their love had failed. They were missing a fundamental understanding of what a mature relationship actually requires. Drawing from his work as a therapist and his background in Buddhist and Christian thought, Richo wrote How to Be an Adult in Relationships to offer a clear, compassionate guide. He wanted to show that the work of maintaining that room is the very definition of a healthy, adult love.

Module 1: The Five A's — The Currency of Love

So much of our confusion about relationships comes from a single misunderstanding. We think of love as a feeling we fall into. Richo suggests a radical reframe. Love is a way of being present with another person. It's a conscious practice, not a passive state. This practice is built on five core components, which Richo calls the "Five A's." These are the essential emotional nutrients for healthy development, from childhood all the way to our most intimate adult partnerships.

The first of these is Attention, which is the practice of offering engaged, respectful focus. This is about truly seeing and hearing another person. Richo asks a powerful question to illustrate this: "Did your parents pay at least as much attention to you as they did to the TV?" In an adult relationship, this translates to putting down your phone, making eye contact, and listening not just to the words but to the feelings behind them. It’s the simple, profound act of making someone feel that they matter more than any distraction.

Next comes Acceptance, the art of receiving someone exactly as they are, without conditions. This is the opposite of moralizing or trying to change them. It’s about validating their feelings and choices, even when you don't agree with them. For example, if your partner is anxious about a presentation, acceptance is saying, "I hear that you're anxious, and that makes sense." This unconditional regard creates a safe space where both people can be their authentic selves without fear of judgment.

Building on that idea, we have Appreciation, which is the act of actively delighting in someone's uniqueness. It means genuinely prizing them for who they are. Richo cites the work of psychologist John Gottman, who found that stable couples have a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. Appreciation is the engine of that positivity. It can be as simple as saying, "I really admire how you handled that difficult conversation," or "I love the way your mind works." It’s about consistently communicating that you see and value the good in your partner.

And here's the thing. These emotional nutrients need a physical component. This leads to Affection, which is shown through respectful physical touch and emotional closeness. Richo notes that an affectionate hug from someone who truly loves us can feel like it restores our souls. It’s about the small, daily acts of physical connection—a hand on the shoulder, a hug at the end of the day, a gentle touch—that reinforce the emotional bond and create a sense of safety and warmth.

Finally, all these elements are held together by the fifth A. Allowing is the practice of granting others the freedom to be themselves. It means giving them space to have their own feelings, make their own choices, and be separate individuals. This is the direct counter to control. In a healthy relationship, you trust your partner. You allow them to be on their own journey, knowing that your connection is strong enough to handle that separateness. This freedom is what enables both partners to grow, both as individuals and as a couple.

Module 2: The Hero's Journey and Its Saboteurs

Now, let's turn to the bigger picture. Richo frames a mature relationship as a heroic journey. It’s a three-act story. First, there's Romance, the joyful beginning. Second, there's the inevitable Conflict phase, where challenges arise. And third, there's Commitment, the synthesis that emerges from navigating that conflict successfully. The problem is, many of us get stuck. We either try to live forever in the romance phase or we get derailed by conflict. This happens because of unconscious forces at play.

The first major saboteur is our past. Unresolved childhood wounds are unconsciously reenacted in our adult relationships. Our brains are wired for familiarity. If our childhood was defined by a lack of one of the Five A's, we may unconsciously seek out partners or create dynamics that replicate that familiar pain. For instance, if you had a critical parent, you might find yourself drawn to critical partners. Or, you might become hypersensitive to any feedback, perceiving it as an attack. The author gives an example of a man who keeps extra food in his pantry. He later realizes this is a bodily memory of childhood hunger that he had consciously forgotten. The work here is to mourn the past. We must grieve what we didn't receive so we can stop demanding it from our partners.

So what happens next? These old wounds create powerful fears that block intimacy today. The two primary fears that sabotage intimacy are the fear of engulfment and the fear of abandonment. The fear of engulfment is the fear of being smothered or losing yourself in a relationship. It might make you pull away when a partner gets too close. The fear of abandonment is the fear of being left, which might cause you to cling, even to an unhealthy situation. Most of us oscillate between these two fears. One moment we crave closeness, and the next we feel suffocated and need space. This creates a painful "pursuer-distancer" dynamic, where one partner is always chasing and the other is always withdrawing. Healing requires naming these fears and consciously acting against them. If you fear engulfment, you practice allowing a little more closeness. If you fear abandonment, you practice giving your partner a little more space.

But flip the coin. Our ego also gets in the way. Richo identifies what he calls the F.A.C.E. of the arrogant ego. The neurotic ego's patterns of Fear, Attachment, Control, and Entitlement are the enemies of intimacy.

• Fear shows up as defensiveness and the terror of being wrong.
• Attachment is clinging to a specific outcome or your own opinion.
• Control is the need to fix, persuade, or change your partner.
• Entitlement is the belief that things should go your way.
  When you're in a conflict and feel that burning need to be right, that's the ego at work. It's choosing "I" over "we." The path to mature love requires us to notice these ego patterns. We have to learn to let go of being right in favor of being connected. We must shift from making demands to making agreements.